Hold On To What You Know

Chapter Two

You are the only one that I'm dreaming of,

Your precious heart was torn apart by me

Everything that I want, I want from you; but I just can't have you

Everything that I need, I need from you; but I just can't have you

Blaine was frozen. He couldn't speak, he couldn't breathe, he could barely blink, but when Kurt started walking toward him it seemed to break the spell and he let out a giant gasp, eyes raking over Kurt's body and trying to remind himself that this wasn't for him anymore, that he wasn't the only person to ever see and have all of Kurt, and call him selfish and possessive but that...that hurt, especially knowing that the guy who currently could wasn't treating Kurt like he deserved.

He trusted Finn's judgment on this one. The other boy might not be the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes, but what he lacked in book-smarts he made up for with his ability to read people, and Blaine knew he'd be right about this.

Kurt was still staring at him, though, wringing his hands a little nervously like he wasn't sure how to respond, so Blaine plastered a smile onto his face and strode forward, stopping a few feet from Kurt and not making any move to touch him although every nerve in his body was screaming at him to.

That wasn't for him anymore. He'd wasted that.

"Kurt," he breathed, and it sounded far more wistful and desperate than he wanted it to. Hopefully the music would cover that, and it seemed to, because Kurt merely gave him an almost-warm smile and crossed his arms.

"Finn told me there was a surprise for me tonight. I could never have imagined..." he cut off, chuckling weakly. "You work here?"

"I do," Blaine nodded. "Can I get you anything? A drink? It's on me. I mean, of course it is, because I'll be getting it for you, but I mean you don't have to pay for it..."

"Blaine. Stop," Kurt said, not unkindly, and Blaine snapped his mouth shut because he realized he'd been babbling like a fool. "Just water is great, thanks. I'd love to get a bit of a buzz but I've got a deadline coming up and I can't afford to be drunk trying to sew patterns," he smiled a little more fully this time and Blaine returned it weakly, feeling how awkward this all was.

He was glad for the escape that getting the water provided him, and he filled up the glass and added some ice, staring to where Kurt had taken a seat to watch the band..

"Water," he set it down and Kurt smiled at him, inclining his head slightly in an obvious invitation for Blaine to sit, which he did. It was hard to talk over the band, but they stopped often enough to adjust this or that and Blaine could see Finn stealing glances over toward them, obviously checking to see how things were progressing.

"Fancy meeting you here," Kurt almost purred, and it might have been flirty, but Blaine's eyes flickered down to the thin, dual-colored silver and pewter band on his ring finger and felt his heart stutter again.

God, Kurt wasn't flirting. Kurt was engaged. Kurt was wearing a fucking ring. This wasn't anything other than friendly, and maybe not even that.

"Well, um, grad school, you know?" he shrugged and Kurt perked up, looking interested. "Kurt, this is...are we going to pretend this isn't awkward?"

"No," Kurt leaned back, his eyes seeming to study Blaine's body. "We're not. It's awkward. But I've...made my peace with your actions and after all this time it hurts less than it did. I think I've forgiven you," he admitted softly. "I'll never forget, but I've forgiven you. I understand why it happened, why you got into that mindset, and while that doesn't make it right it doesn't make it completely reprehensible, either," he explained softly and Blaine let out a tiny sigh of relief, because in a way Kurt's forgiveness had been the one thing he'd been searching for for the past few years.

"Thank you. I just...thank you," he whispered, looking down, and when he finally dared to raise his eyes again Kurt was smiling kindly at him, but Blaine noticed right away that there was nothing else in his eyes: no hidden desire, no regret, not even the slightest hint of longing, and that maybe hurt worse than anything else. "Um," he had to change the subject before he started embarrassingly bawling or something, so he gestured vaguely to Kurt's ring. "Finn told me. Congratulations. I'm...I'm happy for you," he croaked, and then Kurt's eyes lit up as he lifted his hand and spun the band around.

"I didn't even want rings, but Carter insisted. He has the strangest whims," Kurt laughed, clear as a bell, and Blaine longed for the days when that laugh was for him. "I like it now. Maybe I've gotten used to it," he mused, staring at the ring.

"When...when's the wedding?" Blaine asked hesitantly and Kurt shrugged.

"We haven't planned that yet. We just wanted to make it official, that we belonged to each other, that we wanted to marry, but I haven't set a date. I'm so busy with work and it's his last year at NYADA so we're...waiting until we can both settle down, in our own place, before planning anything concrete," he explained patiently and Blaine nodded, forcing a smile onto his face that he knew looked fake but he couldn't help it.

At one time he and Kurt had all but planned out their wedding, and it might have been horribly premature, but he still remembered all of it; from the colour scheme to the songs they were choosing to play, and it was the worst thing in that moment to think about.

"Well, I'm...just...I'm glad you found somebody," he whispered and Kurt looked away, biting his lip like he wasn't sure if what he was about to say was a good idea. He seemed to decide quickly, though, because his next few words came out in a rush.

"Did...did you?" he asked, and Blaine sighed heavily and tapped his fingers on the tabletop, wishing he'd brought himself a glass of something.

"No," he decided to go for the truth, not to make Kurt feel guilty, but just because there was no sense in lying. "I've...I've dated a few people, had a few more one-night-stands, but it all feels so...empty. Guess I'm waiting for the right guy," he replied flippantly, trying to smile, even though in his mind the right guy was here in front of him and Blaine couldn't have him. Not anymore.

"You'll find him," Kurt said, smiling kindly, and Blaine wanted to believe him but... "I did."

And there it was, spear of ice through the heart again, so Blaine pursed his lips and decided to change the course of their conversation. "Anyway, Finn said you play with them sometimes but you're busy tomorrow. What are you working on?"

He knew he'd asked the right thing when Kurt's eyes literally lit up and he leaned forward, entire body seemingly enthralled with what he was about to say. Kurt's passion and dedication were some of the most endearing things about him and it made Blaine happy to see him so excited and involved.

"Right. Well. You remember my old boss, Isabelle?" At Blaine's nod he kept going. "Yes. I couldn't keep my job at with NYADA, of course. Too many courses and outside of school rehearsals and performances, but I always kept in touch with Isabelle and after I'd graduated she told me that she had a lead on a small company...off-off-off-Broadway," he laughed, "but a theatre company nonetheless, and one in desperate need of a costume designer. So I get to utilize my fashion talents while also remaining in the theatre world, and I couldn't be happier," he gushed, and Blaine wanted to kiss him so badly in that moment, share in his excitement any way he could.

God, this was harder than he'd thought it would be.

"That's great," he said instead, clenching his fingers in the material of his jeans. "Really, really great. I'm glad things are going so well for you," and that wasn't even a lie, because he truly was. Kurt nodded, looking down at his own lap, and they lapsed into silence after that.

It was awkward. Now more than ever, and there was no getting around it. Before they used to talk about everything, reality TV and people and school and...them, of course, but now it was like they were utter strangers and Blaine hated it.

"So...what do you think?" Kurt said after a time, jerking his head toward the band, and Blaine turned to watch Sam and Puck bickering over some chord progression while Finn was slumped over the drums, apparently used to it. "They're not bad, huh?"

"They're good," Blaine admitted, and they were. He wasn't even being biased because he knew their talents, but the three of them were far better than most up-and-coming bands they got in to play, so Blaine was grateful for that. "Have they recorded a demo or anything?"

"They've been trying," Kurt laughed to himself. "It's harder than you'd think, though. I guess if..."

"We've got a recording studio," Blaine blurted before he could stop himself, but it was the one thing he could think of to keep them all close for a while. "Yeah, at...at the University, they record performances and things. I've got an in with the drama department, obviously, but I could probably talk to some of the workers there and book you guys...them...a time. I know how to work most of the equipment," he added, because part of taking drama there had been extensive knowledge in all areas, and sound and music had always been something he'd considered himself passionate about.

"You..." Kurt reached across the table, grabbing his hand, and Blaine almost fell out of his chair with the shock of it. "Thank you. God, if I had to listen to Finn rant one more time about how they were never going to make it..." he realized what he'd done and pulled back, but Blaine's fingers were still tingling. "Sorry. That was uncalled for. But I think they would really appreciate that," he suddenly got nervous again, checking his phone before getting to his feet. "I have to go. I know they're probably staying for drinks but I've got deadlines," he did look truly apologetic and Blaine watched him walk away, breath caught in his throat.

"Kurt..."

"Ask me," Kurt said without turning around, and Blaine quickly got to his feet. "I mean it. I still know you, Blaine, so ask whatever you're going to. And if it's my phone number the answer is yes," he added, Blaine feeling a surge of relief because if Kurt could get that then maybe they weren't as far apart as he'd feared. "Give me your phone," Kurt turned back, smiled, and Blaine shakily passed it over, watching as Kurt inputted his number and then sent himself a text from Blaine's phone to his own before returning it.

Blaine cradled the phone, staring at it in shock, but just before Kurt left he realized he had one last question. "Kurt! How did you..." he stopped, because Kurt had unlocked his phone without knowing his password, and the other man looked bashful before straightening up.

"Lucky guess," he scuffed his boot on the floor. "But before I go, I just...I need to know. Do you regret it?" his eyes were brilliantly blue, and Blaine found himself surging forward to take Kurt's hand without a second thought, holding it to his chest.

"Every day has been Hell, Kurt. Every single fucking day. I forgave myself, because I needed to or I'd have died, but I..."

"I forgive you," Kurt repeated his words from earlier. "Please. Don't...don't think about it anymore," he stopped, biting his lip, eyes shimmering, before he squeezed Blaine's hand and moved away. "I might show up tomorrow night if I can get done early," he called over his shoulder, and Blaine sniffed and nodded.

"I'll be here."

He watched Kurt leave, felt his heart break again, and then a tiny surge of hope poked through.

His phone password. November 9. 1109. The day they met.

Kurt remembered, he thought, and held the phone to his heart.

He remembered.