Blaine found it increasingly more difficult to breathe, his tie starting to feel as though it were slowly suffocating him, his lungs barely getting oxygen as he felt himself flush and lose some of the tan color to his face. Between the memory of the last time he had seen James and the current discomfort and apprehension inside the Jeep the musician could hardly stand it, any of it. This was around the time when he’d retreat to the music room and bury himself in sheet music with his guitar and piano, or just play something, anything to get his mind off whatever troubles he was having at the moment. And if that didn’t seem to work then there was always alcohol…Blaine wouldn’t consider himself someone who enjoyed the dull feeling of being completely wasted, or the searing pain and overall shitty feeling the following day from drinking far too many drinks for him to ever truly remember. It wasn’t something he was particularly proud of, because of course he managed to pick that up from his father as well, but there was simply no other way for him to deal with some of the emotions and thoughts that was scarred into his brain. He didn’t cry about things, especially everything that he had trouble with…he just kept it to himself, constantly pushing down on all of it so that he’d never have to deal with it, adding busy work like composing and writing music or drowning down drink after drink so it stayed put somewhere far far away in the back of his head.

Glancing momentarily over at Kurt he noticed how the actor leaned his forehead against the glass window, his body rigid and apprehensive as he kept to himself. Blaine returned to the road, his thoughts now turning murky as he considered the space between the two of them…it may have been small being in a car and all, but with the way the two of them kept strictly to their own seat, close to opposite doors as though wanting an escape from the uneasy undertone of everything they were keeping from each other…it was beyond unnerving, and it only caused him to feel even more guilty for using a harsh voice. Kurt’s reply, however, wasn’t exactly something he had expected. He could sense the pleading tone, the want - or possible need - for him to just drop the entire conversation so that he wouldn’t have to think about it or deal with anymore. Blaine nodded his head and reclined into the driver’s seat, barely noticing the drama major’s half-hearted smile that didn’t even really last more then a few brief seconds. He just felt so unbelievably uncomfortable, and it didn’t help that he was still drawing short and shallow breaths, barely keeping himself together as his thoughts flashed over James’ features…the perfectly soft blonde hair that was always looking absolutely flawless - even when he seemed to just roll out of bed, pale blue-gray eyes that seemed so affectionate and warm, the ridiculously bright smile every time something exciting or amusing happened around him….

Blaine was once again caught off guard, his mind in some state of disbelief by the frustrated groan that left his lips, the way he roughly ran his fingers through his once perfectly tamed hair, and not to mention the misplaced calmness in his voice when he told him to pull the car over…. The musician felt himself holding his breath as he glanced over his shoulder to make sure no cars were behind them before he pulled over to the edge of the road and stopped the car. He swiftly turned on the parking break and shut the off before prying the driver’s side door open and climbed out. Blaine clawed at his tie, loosening it an ample amount as he leaned his back against the Jeep, trying desperately to regain some sort of oxygen to his lungs and blood circulation to his head. He could feel every last emotion rush at him like he was one offensive player being pummeled and tackled by an entire defensive line in some nightmarish football game. The musician slid down the frame of the car, his knees pulled tight into his chest as he roughly ran his fingers into his hair and lowered his head, the tears finally starting to escape from his eyes. Blaine groaned in pure uncontrollable frustration and emotional pain. After all these years of burying every single last one of his issues away he was minimized to this…sitting in a heap against the tire of his Jeep on the side of some road in a suit with tears rolling down his barely reddened cheeks.

Kurt wished he’d said no. He wished he could say no, because it would have saved him the trouble of a lot. He could have said no when asked to go out for a date with someone he had no interest in. He could have said no to a second, third, fourth date. He could have said no to being a couple. He could have said no when asked for forgiveness. If he had the ability to go back and say no, there were so many times when he would have - but Blaine asking him to go to see Wicked, even if this was the outcome… He wouldn’t have said no at all. As much as he wasn’t such a fan of the moment, well that was an understatement - he despised the moment, how everything was but there was no way he would change it because they were both in the same boat. They both had battles they had to overcome, no matter how frustrating it was. Maybe it was odd that he believed in Karma and Fate after everything he’d been through but he did quite honestly believe that everything happened for a reason. Meeting Blaine was meant to happen. This feeling and moment and lack of conversation was meant to happen, so he wasn’t going to fight against it. He was far too far gone for that. Kurt was wrapped up in his own thoughts, in some sick anti-nostalgia of reliving everything which brought him to this moment where he’d practically be some cowering animal in the corner if he wasn’t so stubborn. He couldn’t appreciate that they were both going through things that eachother just couldn’t understand.

Kurt breathed a sigh of relief as he felt the engine grow quiet with a somewhat mocking sigh of it’s own. The actor rested his head back against the headrest, feeling the shockwaves through his body from the door slamming behind Blaine. If he was more himself, he would have followed quickly, but honestly right at that moment he knew that they needed to just take some time and calm down. It wasn’t that Kurt had a temper on him, well he did just not one that applied itself to situations like this, but he didn’t want to provoke anything. Everything felt so raw and delicate that breaking the silence and the barrier in that moment would have been ridiculous and somewhat dangerous. He knew that Blaine hadn’t left, he’d been watching his shadow carefully casting over the car and hadn’t see him walk away and in some odd way, despite how they were right now, that was reassuring. He took in another deep breath, closing his eyes and relaxing his grip around himself, feeling the muscles protest as being released from their tense state. In times like these, he’d be on the phone to his dad. Although Burt was useless with advising and generally came to the conclusion that no matter the news or question, Kurt should come home, Kurt was still the same as when he was eight - he needed to hear that voice just to feel better. Ever since his mother had died, Kurt had relied on his dad more than he actually really noticed until he was in in New York trying to live by himself without the casual need to make an omelette for his dad once he came in from work or complaining over tv channels - which Kurt always won.

Eventually, after a little while, Kurt clicked the door open pausing to collect his thoughts before pushing it open enough to step out. The scene that met him when the walked around the car completely left him heartbroken. He could see the glistening of Blaine’s eyes from the street lights, the brokenness of his body language. He slowly and carefully crouched down before taking up a seat on the floor with a bit of space between them. He wasn’t thinking about how he was never going to get these pants clean again like normal, he was concerned completely for Blaine’s mental and emotional well being. “Please tell me what you’re thinking.” Kurt cut into the silence between them, keeping his gaze fixed forward as he pulled his knees to his chest. “But just let me tell you what I’m thinking first, okay?” The actor sighed resting his forehead against his knees for a moment. “I’m petrified. Have been since I met you. Because I don’t know what I want, Blaine. I never have because I just accept things the way they are and that’s that.” Kurt swallowed, his throat feeling dry and rasped from fighting the stinging tears. “You… Ugh. This is just…” The actor sighed loudly, hitting his hands off the tarmac sharply and tipping his head back against the car. “I want to make you happy, honestly, I do. But I’m not the person to be like that with you, Blaine. I don’t know what we are because you confuse me so much. I like you, I care about you but I can’t… It’s too frightening…” Kurt resolved, finally looking over at Blaine, feeling his heart break all over again.