A lot happened within three months of Kurt's eighteenth birthday. He immediately quit the glee club; he really didn't feel like singing anymore.
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Kurt, who was usually so concerned with fashion, started dressing in darker clothes to match his mood, and he started constantly wearing fingerless gloves to avoid any conversations about his lack of a name on his hand.
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He never let anyone at school knew about his situation. He told them that he had a soulmate but he wouldn't tell them his name. Eventually they stopped asking.
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Since quitting the glee club he had lost contact with his friends, but he didn’t really care. He honestly couldn't stand being surrounded by people who were so happy anymore.
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*o*~*o*~*o*
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A week after his birthday he decided to put his plan into action and try out the local gay bar, Scandals. He heard they never checked your ID unless you order alcohol, so he could easily get in, he didn’t have to drink.
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He was very nervous going to a place like this alone, but he had to be brave. He needed to do this to prove that just because he didn’t have a soulmate; it didn't mean his life was over. He was determined to make the most of this.
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His first night there a couple of guys offered to buy him drinks. He'd never gotten so much male attention before. It was both exciting and terrifying. He did appreciate the attention though; it made him feel desirable for the first time in his life. He soon became a regular patron at Scandals.
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Things started to get sexual pretty fast. Kurt just kind of wanted to get his firsts over with so he wouldn’t have to be so scared of the unknown anymore. If ever any guy bought him a drink, Kurt would offer to give him a handjob in the bathroom, as if to thank him for taking an interest in him.
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Handjobs in the bathroom soon progressed until he was ready to go all the way. Kurt's first time was with a guy called Jason. He was no one particularly special. Kurt had given him handjobs a few times before.
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It happened in the back seat of Kurt's car. Kurt was very nervous, but he didn't want Jason to know he was a virgin. It hurt quite a lot and he may have cried a bit during and after. He figured Jason probably realised he was a virgin, but he never said anything about it before he left.
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Afterwards all Kurt could think was 'Was that it? That was what I've been dreaming of for years.' that upset him even more. He wished it could have been more special, he always thought it would be.
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Those thoughts had him mentally scolding himself for bringing feelings into this. He knew what he was getting into coming to places like this. No one here cared about him, he wouldn’t expect them to. Nothing would ever be made special for him.
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Kurt heard that the first time always hurt; maybe it would get better with practice. He just wished he had someone he trusted that he could practice with. But he didn't, so he had to make the most of what he did have.
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Soon Kurt realised what the attraction with sex was, after one eager-to-please partner had given him his first orgasm. It was amazing. He could definitely see himself getting used to this.
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He still found it very hard to turn his emotions off, even though he knew he had to if he wanted to continue hooking up. He was a romantic at heart, and more than anything he wanted to find love. But thinking like that would do him no good. Feelings had no place here.
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Kurt still felt a spark of jealousy every time he saw another man's name on his partner's hand. He knew they all belonged to someone else and were probably just using him for practice, but he had to take whatever he could get. It made him feel wanted even if it was just for a while.
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One rule Kurt had was that he never kissed anyone, which even he thought was kind of strange. Kissing seemed pretty innocent compared to what he was doing, but he always felt that it was too intimate for a hook up.
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Kurt came to really love sex. It was a distraction. It brought him to a place where he felt good, and he could forget about soulmates and pretend nothing else existed for a few minutes. It was a place he wished he could stay forever, but of course it didn't last long and reality would always come crashing down on him again afterwards.
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Eventually he realised hooking up wasn’t making him feel better in the long run. It made him feel great for a while, but afterwards he felt awful, cheap and used. But now it was the only thing that gave him any joy even if the aftermath wasn’t good, it was still worth it. He came to really depend on hook ups. Everything else in his life was a disaster. He needed those moments of bliss in order to keep him feeling alive.
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*o*~*o*~*o*
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Burt had noticed the changes in his son over the past three months. He was worried about him, but he felt helpless to do anything about it. Every time he tried to have a conversation with Kurt, it turned into a fight.
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He never knew what Kurt was doing whenever he went out. He tried asking, but Kurt was always so defensive and never told him anything. He'd expressed his concerns about Kurt staying out so late countless times, but of course, Kurt never listened.
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Even though Kurt was legally an adult, Burt figured he could use the 'While you're under my roof, you will obey my rules' thing to get Kurt to listen, but then he thought better of it. Their relationship was strained enough these days. If he said that, Kurt just might leave, and he certainly didn't want that.
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He had to trust that Kurt was smart enough to make his own decisions, which he would have believed up until three months ago. Kurt just wasn't himself anymore. He needed help, that much was obvious.
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Burt knew it was the soulmate thing that was bothering him. Kurt hadn't spoken about it since his birthday. Burt didn’t want to push him but it was clear that he was affected by it.
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When Kurt came home late one night, Burt was waiting for him in the kitchen.
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“Dad,” He said in surprise. “You're up late.”
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“Sit down, I want to talk to you,” Burt kept his voice steady but not firm, he didn't want Kurt to think he was mad at him. Kurt took a seat at the other side of the table.
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“I'm worried about you,” Burt said, after a minute.
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“I'm fine.”
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“Don't give me that, Kurt. I know you're not fine, you haven’t been since your birthday,” Kurt visibly tensed up at the mention of his birthday. “You're constantly irritable, your grades are dropping, you're dressing differently, staying out late, when you're at home you hardly ever come out of your room-”
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“I don't care about the stupid soulmate thing,” Kurt shouted, his tone contradicting what he'd just said. Burt gave him a questioning look. “I don't. Sure, it bothered me at first, but I really don’t care anymore,” Kurt said with more certainty in his voice, but after eighteen years Burt could tell when Kurt was lying.
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“Well then what is bothering you, because it’s obvious that something is?” Burt insisted, determined to get some kind of an answer out of his son.
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“I'm really tired, can we not talk about this now.”
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“I can't help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”
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“I don't need help, I'm fine, I'm happy,” Kurt protested, putting on a clearly forced smile. “I just want to go to sleep.”
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It was obvious that the conversation was going nowhere. Kurt just wouldn't open up to him.
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“Okay,” Burt stood up and walked around the table to put his hand on Kurt's shoulder. “But if you ever want to talk about... anything, I'm always here for you.”
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“Thanks,” Kurt mumbled.
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Burt left Kurt, certain that he had gotten nowhere with him. Maybe he just needed more time.
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*o*~*o*~*o*
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It hurt Kurt to know that he was upsetting his dad. He knew Burt didn't want to nag, he just cared about him. He was the only one in the world who did.
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They were fighting a lot now, and Kurt knew it was all his fault. He hated the constant conflict, he hated upsetting his dad, but he was always so frustrated, and Burt was the only one around to take it out on. Kurt couldn't help always being irritable whenever he came home from a night out.
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Kurt knew his dad put up with a lot, and he wished things could go back to the way they were, but they couldn't. Too much had changed.
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He just didn't see the point in talking about his problems. He knew he couldn’t tell his dad everything that was going on in his life now; it would probably give him a heart attack. What good would talking do anyway? It still wouldn't change anything.
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Kurt let out a heavy sigh as he got up and made his way to his bedroom. It had been another long night. He was upset and tired, and he couldn't see his situation changing for the better any time soon.