Chapter 13

Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

Blaine opened his eyes, grunting as he slowly awoke. Warm sunlight streamed through their bedroom window, and the scent of – cinnamon, maybe – wafted into the room from the kitchen. Kurt must have already gotten up to make breakfast and feed Violet – but no, Kurt was right beside him.

Like a swift kick to the gut, he remembered, and all the air rushed out of his lungs just like it had when the tip of the leather dress shoe ruptured his spleen when he was fourteen.

She's gone.

He rolled over, burying his head in Kurt's bare shoulder.

"Why does it have to be sunny today?" he groaned.

"Mmm?" Kurt cracked one eye open as he shifted to wrap his arms around Blaine's back, a movement more instinctual than intentional.

Blaine breathed him in, steeling himself for the awful day ahead with the only person he'd ever grown roots for.

"You're clingy," Kurt grunted out as Blaine curled into his chest, but pulled him closer still. Sweating under Kurt's heavy warmth, Blaine kicked the sheet, thrown halfway off during the night, to the end of the bed. He let out a soft moan as Kurt's thumbs pressed into the muscles below his shoulder blades, knotted from stress. "Feel good?" Kurt murmured.

"Mmm." Blaine shifted a little so that they were perfectly aligned, from their noses, lightly touching, to their bare cocks, half-hard and brushing against each other.

"Let's stay in here all day," he whispered as Kurt kissed the tip of his nose. "We'll hide out and have food delivered by crane through the window and we can pretend that nothing bad ever happened."

"Blaine ..."

"I just miss her so much already. How're we going to do this?" Blaine asked, not meeting Kurt's eyes.

Any answer that Kurt might have had was interrupted by a soft knock on the door.

"Kurt? Blaine? You guys decent?"

The question was apparently rhetorical, because Finn did not pause for either of them to reply before he opened the door. His eyes widened, and he froze for a second as Blaine, cursing, scrambled to pull the rumpled sheet at the end of the bed up over himself and Kurt.

"Holy shit." Finn spun around, his hands flying over his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry – I'm just gonna –" he stammered and ran out of the room, nearly running headlong into the doorframe. The door slammed shut behind him.

"Finn, wait, it's okay, just give us a minute..." Blaine called, his voice croaky from sleep.

"You know, as many times as I've walked in on you guys, you'd think I'd be over it by now, but –" Finn said weakly outside their door.

"You'd think," Kurt said to Blaine dryly, rubbing his eyes. "What is this, the fourth or fifth time now?"

Blaine sighed. "I'll go do damage control. You can have the shower first."

"Thanks, honey."

Blaine slipped out of bed and pulled on a loose pair of pajama pants and a snug, soft t-shirt. Just before he opened the door he heard Kurt sigh and turned around.

"You're so gorgeous," Kurt said, his voice a little dreamy. He was hugging Blaine's pillow to his chest, smiling just big enough for his dimples to show.

Blaine tried to smile back. "Thanks."

"And my brother is an idiot."

"He is," Blaine agreed with a nod.

Kurt took a deep breath, then let it out in a big whoosh. "We can do this, you know. Today. Tomorrow. The next day. We'll just have to take it slow." Blaine bit his lip and nodded before easing the door open, leaving Kurt to himself.

In the living room, Finn couldn't meet Blaine's eyes.

"Dude, I'm so sorry, Mom asked me to get you guys for breakfast, I didn't think..."

"Finn, it's fine. It's an unfortunate hazard of having houseguests – if anything, it's our fault for not locking the door. Can we just forget about it?"

"Okay. Yeah, okay."

Blaine nodded and stood, patting Finn on the shoulder and moving toward the kitchen when Finn spoke up again. "I just ... I don't get it," he said.

Blaine turned around. "You don't get what?" he asked tiredly, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.

"I don't know," Finn said, blushing. "I mean, your baby gets taken away, and you spend the evening puking and crying which is totally what I would do, but then you ... you ..." He stammered, searching for the least awkward way to say it. Finally he gave up and dropped his volume. "You and Kurt go and have sex? While me and Burt and Carole are in the next room?"

Blaine stared at him. "What makes you think Kurt and I had sex, Finn? Did you hear anything last night?" he asked slowly.

"Well, no –"

"And more importantly, why do you care?"

"Dude, I don't care, but I'd rather not walk in on it," Finn said, rubbing his hands on his jeans uncomfortably. "How would you feel if you walked in on me and my girlfriend? Or – your parents?"

Blaine closed his eyes in frustration. No part of him wanted to have that conversation on this day, and he felt his face heat up in anger that Finn was pushing him into it. "You didn't walk in on anything, Finn."

"Oh. It just seemed –"

"I don't care what it seemed like! And for future reference, I try to make a point of waiting for an answer when I knock on someone's bedroom door," Blaine snapped, feeling suddenly vicious. "We've been married for six years, Finn. Are you really that surprised that we don't always sleep in pajamas?"

"Well – no, I mean – I don't know!"

Blaine glared at him. "So, what, you think every time we're naked together we're fucking like rabbits? It's not like you've never had morning wood before! Did you ever think that it might just be hot in our apartment in the summer?"

Finn shifted uncomfortably. "I –"

Blaine knew he was getting out of line, but he didn't quite know how to stop himself, and if he was being honest, he really didn't care. It felt good to yell at someone, so he continued. "Did you ever think that maybe Kurt is the only person I can go to right now who understands? Who won't send me these goddamn pitiful looks, and will just hold me and cry with me? That maybe we're coming to each other for comfort, not because we're horny?" Blaine's voice rose in pitch as he tried unsuccessfully to hold his tears back.

"Blaine, man, I'm –"

"No. No, Finn, fuck you – of all the days to make a big deal of seeing two married men in bed together –"

"Blaine? What's going on?" Kurt emerged from their bedroom with wet hair dripping onto his undershirt, which he was tucking into a pair of tight yellow pants. "I heard you shouting."

"For all the acceptance bullshit your brother spews out, he still acts like a homophobic asshole sometimes, that's what's going on," Blaine said, angrily wiping the tears from his eyes.

Finn seemed to crumble at Blaine's words as Burt strode out of the kitchen holding a dishtowel and Kurt whipped around to face him at the same time. "Finn? What did you say to him?" Kurt demanded.

"Nothing," he said, sounding hurt. "I just – I said I didn't want to walk in on you guys, you know, engaging in things, but I didn't mean it like that – it's not 'cause you're two guys or anything – I mean, I wouldn't want to walk in on any of my friends doing that."

Blaine knew somewhere in the rational part of his mind that he needed to calm down, but he was so angry – he could've used a heavy bag, something to punch. Instead, he used words to hit instead of his fists. "Not even Santana and her current flavor of the week?" he snarled, ashamed of the tears that wouldn't stop falling from his eyes. "Double the boobs, double the fun?"

He knew he'd gone too far when his father-in-law spoke up. "I think that's about enough." Burt's voice was sharp, his eyes hard. "I have never heard you boys talk to each other like this, and it's not gonna start now. Finn, in the kitchen with your mom. Blaine –"

But before Burt could finish, Finn interrupted him. "No, Burt, it's my fault." Finn bent and wrapped his arms around Blaine's slight shoulders, and Blaine was so shocked that he stood, still as a statue. "I'm so sorry, man," Finn said, towering over him, sounding truly remorseful. "I never mean to come off as an asshole, but I always manage to ... and you usually handle it so well, but I was totally out of line today considering everything else."

Blaine wanted to refute Finn's statement, to say that he was the one who was out of line, especially with that last comment, but all that came out was a noise that sounded vaguely like a wounded animal. He was vaguely aware of Kurt and Burt retreating from the room as Finn rubbed his back.

"Shhh, it's okay. It's gonna be okay," Finn whispered. "You and Kurt are the strongest guys I know. If anybody can handle this shit, it's the two of you."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know I'm a mess," Blaine managed to choke into Finn's chest. "I just miss her so much."

"I know you do, man. So do I." Finn squeezed his arms around Blaine's back – it felt like a giant's hug – then pulled back a little to look in his eyes. Blaine was surprised to see that they were a little watery. "Come on," he said. "Mom made those cinnamon scones – the ones that she says her grandma used to make? We've got to get some before Burt eats them all and Kurt yells about his heart for the rest of the day."

* * *

Thursday, June 29th, 2023

"How long have you been up?"

Kurt jumped, jerking his head up from the sketchpad settled in his lap. "Hey, Dad, you startled me. I guess since around three or so – what are you doing up?"

"Same thing you're doing – can't sleep," Burt answered simply. "Does it help, sitting in her room?"

Kurt shrugged. "I guess. I just don't want to forget her," he said quietly, looking around the room. There were books still splayed out all over the floor from where Blaine jerked them off the shelves in his rush to pack her bag, but other than that and her partly-empty closet, everything else screamed normalcy. A tube of diaper rash cream still sat on her changing table, the crib was perfect minus one lavender minky-dot blanket, and an outfit hung on her closet door handle, ready for a morning that would never happen. Kurt wasn't sure if he could ever touch the room again.

Burt sighed. "Come on, let's take a walk. Think Romeo's up?"

"If he's not, he will be when we get his leash out," Kurt said, rising from the lavender linen glider with one last glance over his shoulder. He quietly walked with Burt into the living room where Carole was asleep on the air mattress, curled under blankets, and Finn was snoring on the couch. Kurt tiptoed around them to pick up the Burberry leash from the end table, and the little white ball of fur jumped out of his puppy bed and came bounding over to him. "Wanna go for a walk, buddy?" Kurt whispered, stooping to fasten the leash to Romeo's collar.

He followed his dad out the door after leaving a note on the counter, closing the door with a quiet click.

They'd walked for half a city block when Burt looked over at him. "Any good coffee places open at –" he glanced at his watch, squinting to see the numbers in the barely dawning light, " – five-thirty in the morning?"

"You're in luck," Kurt told him. "Our local place opens at five."

They walked in silence for another four blocks, Kurt taking the lead with Romeo trotting happily beside him.

"Ignore the name – they're actually really nice. Blaine likes to write here," he explained, gesturing up at a sign reading "Bean Me Up Coffee."

Burt raised his eyebrows. "So Blaine's still got a thing for that new Kirk guy."

"Chris Pine, and yes. But don't we all?"

Burt's eyebrows raised higher. "Don't know about that ... How long did it take him to convince you to set foot in a place with a Star Trek reference, huh?"

"Two weeks. He kept bringing me lattes, which weakened my resolve."

"Mmm," Burt nodded. "Well, if you want, I'll hold Romeo out here –"

"Oh, no, they're pet-friendly. They love you here, don't they, buddy?" he cooed, reaching down to scratch behind the puppy's ears.

"Huh."

"I know, weird city thing, whatever," Kurt said, pushing the door open. "Morning, Braxton," he said, greeting the barista with a wave.

"Hey, Kurt – oh, you've got Romeo! Let me get him a treat!"

"You guys are popular around here, huh?" Burt said as Braxton darted to the back and a blonde girl came around to the front of the counter to say hello to the puppy.

"Dad, this is Wendy," Kurt introduced them, and Burt shook her hand.

"I'm Burt, Kurt's dad," he said.

"Oh, it's so nice to meet you! These boys are here so often they could practically run the place," she grinned, "especially Blaine. Where is he this morning? Oh wait – the baby! Was she born already? Is he home with her?"

Kurt could feel his heart breaking anew – this was what it would be like for months, he knew, explaining that yes, they were supposed to have a baby, but no, things didn't quite go according to plan. He made a mental note to go over the pros and cons of becoming hermits with Blaine later.

"There were – complications," he said carefully. "Not – not with the birth, Violet's fine, but – her mother decided to keep her after all."

Wendy gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry Kurt, I –"

"It's okay, you couldn't have known," he said as Braxton came back out with Romeo's treat.

"Couldn't have known what?" he asked, bending down as Romeo rose to his back paws, begging.

"They didn't get to keep their baby," Wendy whispered, still shocked.

"Oh my god – I'm so sorry," Braxton said, stepping forward to wrap a startled Kurt in a tight hug.

"Th-thank you," Kurt stuttered, trying to catch his breath once he was released from Braxton's grasp. "We'll just – I think we'll take our coffee outside this morning."

* * *

"God, that was awful. Is everybody going to come hug me without my permission?" Kurt asked once they were settled at a table outside the shop, watching the sunrise.

"They might," Burt said.

Kurt sat still for a long time, blowing on his coffee every now and then. He looked up, up, up higher, past the buildings and into the sky which was just beginning to show signs of a blazing sun.

"How do you do it?" he asked quietly, still looking up, refusing to look at his dad. He couldn't look at his dad, or he might cry. "How do you grieve like this, knowing that you're never going to have them back? It was – it felt different, with Mom."

"Course it was different. You were eight, Kurt," Burt said, and Kurt was shocked to hear the weariness in his voice. "Kids grieve differently. And – god, it was hell on you I know, but there's nothing in this world that could compare to losing a child. As much as it hurt me to lose Elizabeth, I honestly don't think I could've survived losing you."

Kurt finally made himself tear his eyes from the horizon. It was like working against his own muscles, turning his head to look at his father, and his heart lurched when he saw that Burt's eyes were wet.

"Then how are we supposed to do it?" Kurt asked, his voice rough.

"One day at a time. One hour at a time, at first, maybe. It's gonna get harder before it gets easier, and – shit, I hate this for you – there's nothing that can prepare you for it. Not even me. I'm sorry." Burt hung his head and mumbled, "Fuck."

"You think we're going to make it through this, though, right?" Kurt asked, slow and careful. "I mean, I know stuff like this, losing a child, can destroy a marriage. I don't – I can't lose Blaine, too." Tears welled up in his eyes at the thought. A Blaine-less world was a very gray world, indeed, and one that he never, ever wanted to be privy to.

"I don't know the answer to that, son. I – if there was anything I could do, any way I could take your grief and make it mine –"

"Dad ..." Kurt reached out to squeeze his dad's hand as tightly as he could. Burt squeezed back.

"All I can tell you is to fight with everything you've got, as long as you've got something left to fight for."

"There always will be, with him," Kurt said softly, twisting his wedding band around his finger. "It's Blaine."

His dad gave him a wan smile. "I know it is. I know you guys are one in a million – there just aren't a whole lotta couples like the two of you, but that doesn't mean that you're immune to everything. When I said fight – sometimes that means giving in."

Kurt looked at him quizzically. He didn't think his dad had ever told him to give in to anyone before...

"I'm not just talkin' about you, either. I know Blaine can be just as pigheaded as you can be, both of you are stubborn as mules, and – I don't know, Kurt, you're gonna hurt in different ways, and you're gonna deal with this in different ways. It'll take time to figure it all out. Just – be patient with each other while you do, okay?"

"Of course we will. Dad, we're good at being patient with each other."

But Burt shook his head. "No, Kurt, this is different. You've never been through something like this before – hurt like this can change you, make you bitter, make you mean. When I said you'd deal with this in different ways – there's a good chance that you could hate the way that Blaine navigates his grief, and vice versa. Something like this requires a little more grace for each other than your average bump in the road."

Kurt took a long drink of his coffee, allowing himself time to ruminate on everything his dad had just said. It sounded foreign and wrong, Blaine's name and the word 'hate' in the same sentence, but his dad was usually so wise ...

Burt sighed. "Look, I gotta pee, and you look like you could use a minute ... they got a restroom in there I can use?"

"Yeah," Kurt said, swallowing his coffee. "It's in the back of the shop."

Burt patted the top of his hand. "Okay, kiddo. I'll be right back."

Kurt leaned down to scratch Romeo's ears as his dad got up. "You've been a good boy this morning," he told the puppy softly. "We'll get you a treat on the way home."

Then he heard his father's familiar voice coming through the open door of the shop, surprisingly clear over the hubbub of morning traffic.

"– saw what you did earlier, letting us have that coffee without ringing us up," he was saying to Braxton. Kurt peered through the door, and saw his dad lay a few bills on the counter.

"No, sir, your coffee was on the house this morning," Braxton said politely. Kurt's heart plummeted to his shoes at his words – he hadn't even noticed that they didn't charge him for their drinks.

"Son, I insist –"

"Listen, Mr. – Hummel, right? Kurt's the Hummel side of the Anderson-Hummel?" Braxton asked. "Anyway, Kurt and Blaine are some of our best, most loyal customers – Blaine comes here and writes, sometimes reads us little excerpts of his books. Seeing Romeo is the highlight of Wendy's day. We've got another girl who works here – Chay's her name – who wants to go into fashion, and Kurt always comes in and tells her stories, gives her tips on the business. So when I say I don't need your money? It's just me, as one of Kurt's friends, trying to do something nice for him when I don't really know what else to do."

Kurt ducked his head as soon as Braxton looked toward him, feeling ashamed of eavesdropping, but when his eyes darted back up, Braxton was still looking at him meaningfully.

"Oh," Burt said. "Well that's –" he broke off for a moment. "Thank you for caring about my boys. Keep an eye on them for me after I leave, will you?"

"We will," Wendy answered, and Kurt could see her warm smile, and her hand giving Burt's a quick squeeze. "We'll be happy to."

* * *

Monday, July 3rd, 2023

"You're sure you guys will be okay? I talked to John, and he said he could handle the shop for another week if I need him to," Burt said, gripping Kurt's shoulders hard while looking straight into his eyes.

"Dad, your lives have to go on. You have the shop and Carole can't keep calling into work –"

"None of that is as important as you and Blaine are."

Kurt sighed. "Go," he ordered, rolling his eyes at his dad's arched eyebrow. He didn't typically take a commanding tone with his dad, didn't try to boss him around, but when the shoe fit... "We'll be okay. It might take us awhile to get there, but we will be. Besides, Carole might kill you if you unpack all that luggage after she worked so hard to fit everything in ..." He gestured to the pile of suitcases by the door.

Burt threw his arms around his son and squeezed tight while Kurt buried his face in his dad's shoulder, wishing with all his might that he and Blaine could fly back with them and hide out in Kurt's old bedroom for the rest of their lives.

"We love you, sweetheart," Carole was saying beside them, cupping Blaine's cheeks in both her hands. "If you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate to call, okay?"

"You guys know I can come back up here whenever," Finn said, pushing Burt away to wrap Kurt in a tight hug. He sighed into Finn's shoulder – his brother could be a stupid oaf sometimes, but Kurt couldn't ever deny that he cared. "I don't have to do anything at school 'til late August when the inservices start, so my summer's wide open."

"Thanks, Finn. We really appreciate that," Kurt said sincerely, looking up into Finn's eyes.

Blaine managed to squirm out of Carole's grasp long enough to take Kurt's hand.

"As much as I love an emotional goodbye, you guys are gonna miss your flight if you're not careful. It's four o'clock now, and you know how crazy traffic is. Go. And call us when you get home to let us know you're safe, okay?" he said, squeezing Kurt's fingers. Kurt squeezed back.

As soon as the Hummel-Hudsons walked out the door, Kurt and Blaine both let out a huge breath, relief oozing from both of them.

"God, I love them so much, but it is exhausting trying to pretend everything is normal and when it's not," Kurt sighed, resting his head on Blaine's shoulder.

"Bed?" Blaine asked.

"Bed."

Once they were curled under the soft sheet, they fell asleep in their clothes and didn't wake up until morning.

* * *

Tuesday, July 4th, 2023

From: Rachel

Happy Independence Day! I know it's been an awful week, but I was hoping the two of you might join me for an impromptu trio performance in Central Park later – you're the only two boys I'd trust not to screw up the National Anthem.

From: Rachel

I'm making potato salad – I'll even bring some with bacon in it for Blaine.

From: Rachel

Kurt, you haven't talked to me since your dad left.

From: Rachel

I'm worried about you...

Kurt smacked his phone, knocking it off the bedside table into the floor, and pulled the sheet over his head.

* * *

"Feel like Chinese?"

"No." Blaine's voice was muffled by the pillow that he'd pressed his face into.

"Feel like Thai?"

"No."

"Pizza?"

"No."

"Feel like eating anything?"

"No, not really."

"Yeah. Me neither."

* * *

"Fucking fireworks."

Blaine stood at the window, glaring at the brightly colored explosions that lit up the sky.

"Are they keeping you awake?"

"They're making me crazy. They're just so ... bright. And happy. It feels wrong, like nothing in the world should ever get to be happy again."

"I hope we get to be happy again, Blaine."

Blaine didn't answer, just glared at the sky as another firework burst open, a starburst of red and white light glittering the sky.

"Come back to bed. You're making me antsy, staring out the window like that."

* * *

Wednesday, July 5th, 2023

"I smell terrible," Kurt announced to the ceiling in their bedroom. It was the first time he'd ever worn the same clothes for more than twenty-four consecutive hours, and he was going on forty-eight.

"Do you care?"

"Not a damn bit."

* * *

"How long does it take to starve?"

"That's a morbid question," Blaine said.

"It's a pertinent question. We haven't eaten since Monday afternoon."

"Still morbid. And honestly, I have no idea. You want to order out or something?"

"No, I'm not hungry," Kurt said, lifting his arm above his head and gracefully turning his wrist in a circle. "I think it'd be kind of a beautiful way to die, starving. You'd just – disappear, wouldn't you?"

"You'd wither," Blaine said fiercely, suddenly appearing in Kurt's field of vision. "You are not leaving me, do you understand? We're ordering a pizza."

Kurt kept quiet after that, and Blaine was so tired after his outburst that he never even noticed when Kurt picked the cheese off his veggie slice and merely licked the tomato sauce off the back, salty and tangy on his tongue.