*Flashback*

Kurt stood naked in front of the bathroom mirror with tears in his eyes scrutinizing his body. He just didn't understand. Why didn't Blaine want him anymore? The first few times his husband had turned him down he'd mentally told himself that Blaine was just tired...he was working too hard and maybe tomorrow he could try again. After all they'd never gone this long without sleeping together, it'd been almost three months now. So over and over again he tried everything he could think of to spark his husbands interest, but instead of enticing his husband, it seemed he was just irritating him.

This last time had broken him, completely and totally shattered his heart, they'd been lying in bed and Kurt had slid over and started kissing his husbands neck whispering how much he wanted him into his ear and Blaine had moved away saying "Kurt knock it off" Kurt tried to slid an arm around his husbands waist to pull him closer but instead of turning around and kissing him back Blaine had huffed and got out of bed angrily grabbing his pillow and saying "Seriously Kurt? I'm not interested okay? I'm tired, and if you cant keep your hands or mouth to yourself I'll just go sleep on the couch" and he stormed out of the room slamming the door behind him while Kurt sat frozen on the bed with tears slipping down his face.

He hugged himself around the middle choking back sobs. Not interested? Blaine wasn't interested in him anymore? He'd cried himself to sleep alone in bed.

The next morning Blaine had been gone when he got up and he'd shuffled into the bathroom for his shower trying to hold back the sadness threatening to overwhelm him. While the water washed away his tears, he ran over what had happened in his head again trying to understand what he'd done wrong. He thought back to the last three months and each time Blaine had turned him down seeming annoyed and uninterested in being with him, as if the idea of touching him wasn't even vaguely something he was interested in. Was he really that undesirable? What had changed? Blaine used seem like he couldn't ever get enough of him but now it's like he disgusted his husband.

He got out of the shower and dried off looking up into the mirror staring at himself, little by little the image staring back at him looked more and more flawed. Eventually he'd broken down into sobs curling up naked on the bathroom floor. It was hours before he got up, his eyes swollen and red, he got dressed swearing to himself he'd never be humiliated like that again, swearing he was done setting himself up for rejection.

So he spent the next month practically starving himself and working out daily, got a new hair cut, changed the way he dressed, trying to desperately make himself attractive enough for Blaine to be interested again. But nothing he did made a difference. Blaine never noticed, it hadn't been until he'd collapsed during one of his father's visit that anyone realized what he'd been doing. He hadn't told his father the reason behind his insane dieting and excessive work out schedule fearing he'd tell Blaine, but he promised he'd stop and get healthy again. It was pointless to continue since even when he'd been barely eating and working himself to death Blaine still wasn't interested in him.

He'd just have to accept that Blaine wasn't physically attracted to him anymore, he shouldn't have been surprised his husband had finally gotten tired of him...he was ugly and pale, he had pear hips...he wouldn't try to force Blaine to be intimate with him again. He couldn't handle the rejection and reminder of just how lacking he was he in his husbands eyes.

*End flashback*

Kurt stared at the floor and refused to meet Blaine or the therapists eyes, he didn't want to see the disgust or pity. When the therapist asked him to take her and Blaine back to the different moments in the last eight months that stuck out to him the most in his belief that he was unattractive and undesirable to Blaine after Blaine had brought up that since Kurt had been home he'd been avoiding getting undressed around him and seemed to be uncomfortable with seeing Blaine with his clothes off, he seemed more like he was shy...which Blaine didn't understand after ten years together and seven years of marriage. Why Kurt seemed to have such a hard time believing Blaine wanted to sleep in the same bed with him each night, wanted to hold him, wanted to kiss him.

*Flashback*

"Blaine?" Kurt asked quietly standing in the door frame of their bedroom twisting his hands together anxiously.

"Hmm?" was the only sound Blaine let out in response as he turned the page of the paperwork he was reading at the coffee table.

"Are you coming to bed soon?" Kurt asked taking a step closer hope filling his heart.

"What? Oh um no probably not, I still have to finish this so I'll just sleep on the couch. Grab me a pillow would you?" Blaine replied without taking his eyes off his work.

Kurt's face fell and he sadly whispered "Okay" and moved back into the bedroom to grab a pillow and blanket taking it out to set on the couch. He moved over to stand behind Blaine debating whether or not he should try for a hug, he reached out for a moment before pulling back losing his nerve.

"I put a pillow and Blanket on the couch for you...Goodnight Blaine" he said softly

"Yea okay, night" Blaine said distractedly

Kurt walked back to the bedroom and paused at the door before looking over his shoulder and calling out "I love you" praying for a response. When he received none a tear slipped down his face and he moved fully into the bedroom closing the door behind him. He curled into a ball on his bed and let the tears come.

*End Flashback*

Blaine knew he wasn't perfect. He knew the last eight months of his marriage he hadn't been the ideal husband...but he honestly hadn't expected this. Listening to Kurt's quiet voice sadly taking both him and their therapist through the last eight months from his perspective was legitimately devastating to him. He had no idea how much he'd screwed up, no idea how much he'd damaged Kurt's self esteem. How did he actually not notice that Kurt had starved himself to the point of collapsing? He never noticed Kurt has lost weight at all, was he that self absorbed and blind? No wonder Kurt had been contemplating divorce. His husband must seriously love him to have stayed with him as long as he had and put up with such insanity.

*Flashback*

Kurt was on a plane on his way to Lima, he stared out the window and sniffled thinking about his last few hours at home. He and Blaine were supposed to be heading to his dad's house for Christmas, yet somehow here he was flying alone because Blaine couldn't be pulled away from his precious job even for Christmas. It would be the first Christmas they'd ever spent apart and Kurt was distraught to realize he was the only one who seemed bothered by this fact at all.

"Kurt I just cant go okay? I'm on a deadline and I need to be here. This is an important case and I cant just blow it off if I want to get that promotion coming up" Blaine said running a frustrated hand over his face.

"Blaine it's Christmas! Please, just a couple day's...you can come back early if you want" Kurt pleaded but Blaine just Kept shaking his head

"Kurt I cant leave"

"Then I'll stay here with you so we can be together!" Kurt said desperately grabbing Blaine's hand but Blaine pulled away.

"No, I'll just be working the entire time so you might as well go home and see your dad, you better get going you'll miss your flight" Blaine said decidedly and walked away from Kurt sitting back down on the couch and picking up one of the files sitting there and a highlighter dropping the conversation.

Kurt finally gave up trying, accepting that he was going to have to spend Christmas without Blaine this year because apparently Blaine was done discussing this with him and sadly moved over to his suitcase pulling out the wrapped gift he had for his husband and placed it on the table before picking up his bag and moving towards the front door.

"Merry Christmas Blaine, I love you" he whispered sadly walking out the door alone. Part of him hoped for a 'goodbye' 'have a nice flight' 'be safe' maybe even an 'I love you too' but Blaine had apparently completely forgotten about their conversation and moved on.

When his father asked why he'd come alone he'd tried to make excuses and pretending everything was fine but his father saw right through it and simply looked him in the eyes and said "What's going on kid? I want the truth" and he'd broken down crying spilling his guts out about everything. His father listened in shock before pulling his son into his arms in an attempt to comfort him wondering what in the hell was going on with his husband.

*End Flashback*

Blaine reached over and took Kurt's hand in his and gave it a comforting squeeze. His husband had a steady stream of tears slipping down his face while he spoke still refusing to look up at anyone and the therapist was staring at him with sympathy as she passed Blaine a box of Kleenex for Kurt. Kurt wiped at his eyes and pulled his hand away from Blaine everything feeling to raw at the moment. Their therapist waited a moment to let him calm down a bit before asking if he was ready to continue. He told her he was ready but kept the box of Kleenex in his lap.

*Flashback*

Kurt had made sure to get up early in an attempt to catch Blaine before he went to work hoping they could have breakfast together, he felt like he never got to see Blaine anymore. So he got out of bed when he heard Blaine get into the bathroom and hurried into the kitchen to make breakfast. He quickly whipped together some banana nut pancakes knowing they were Blaine's favorite, he added a couple pieces of maple sausage to another pan, and set the coffee to brew.

When he heard the shower shut off he rushed to set the table and pile the plates with a couple pancakes each topping them with fresh banana slices and warm maple syrup he had warmed up with some vanilla bean to infuse the flavor. He slid a few pieces of sausage onto a small plate to set next to it and poured Blaine a cup of coffee adding some of his favorite creamer and when Blaine walked out in his suit straitening his tie he paused in surprise when he saw the set table and Kurt setting down a cup of coffee.

"Uh Kurt? What's going on?" He said with his brow furrowed in confusion

Kurt shoved away the butterflies in his stomach and tried to give his husband a convincing smile "I just ...I thought we could have breakfast together? Like we used too? I made Banana pancakes! I know they're your favorite I even made some of that vanilla bean maple syrup you love ...sausage too! Oh and yesterday I went to three different stores and found some of that amaretto coffee creamer for you... and... I just thought it'd be nice to have breakfast together before you went to work?" Kurt asked hopefully

Blaine sighed tiredly and checked his watch "Kurt I don't really have time to sit down for a big breakfast, normally I just pick up a muffin or something on the way"

He watched as Kurt's smile fell and looked at the table and food he'd made helplessly "Yea okay...sure. I just thought...Umm... Never mind ..have a good day at work then, I'll just get rid of all this" he said quietly and started moving around the kitchen putting things away not meeting Blaine's eyes.

Blaine felt guilt hit his stomach when he saw how crushed Kurt looked and checked his watch one more time before sighing heavily and saying "Maybe we can have the coffee together and save the pancakes for another time?" he offered and saw Kurt's face shoot up hopefully.

"Really? Okay I-I'll just go grab a cup and be right back" Kurt said turning around and grabbing a cup quickly filling it and messily adding a spoon of sugar spilling some on the counter top in his haste and he sat at the table. Blaine sat down next to him and took a drink from his coffee the corners of his mouth quirking slightly as the taste hit his tongue.

Kurt sipped his coffee and wracked his brain trying to think of something to say that might interest Blaine but came up with nothing.

They both drank in relative silence before Blaine said "So how has writing been going?" and Kurt grasped at the topic desperately "Writing has been going great, my editor said they think this book is going to be a hit, even more popular than the last one" he said hoping Blaine would be proud of him.

"That's great Kurt...look I wish I could stay and have you tell me more about it but if I don't leave I'm going to be late...I think I'll just put this coffee in a to go mug okay?" Blaine said checking his watch again and getting up to switch his coffee into a to go mug, he grabbed his suitcase and jacked heading for the front door yelling "Thanks for the coffee, good luck writing today" and walking out the door letting it swing shut behind him.

Kurt drop his head in his hands and got up standing in front of the sink before throwing his cup forcefully into the sink shattering it. He dumped the food he made into the trash and brought the plates to the sink before sighing and setting them down to clean out the cup fragments cutting three of his fingers in the process. He finished cleaning up the kitchen and went into the bedroom flopping back onto the bed.

"Why do I even bother?" he asked the empty room miserably.

*End Flashback*

Blaine remembered that morning. He remembered feeling guilty that Kurt seemed to be so disappointed they couldn't have breakfast together. He also remembered thinking on the way to work he'd make it up to him that weekend with breakfast in bed or something, but then something had come up at work and he'd never gotten around to it and ended up forgetting his plans completely. Thinking back he hadn't even read Kurt's last book...he didn't even know what it was about...isn't that something he should know? Hell when Kurt had written the first one he used to ask Blaine to read through it and ask for advice on certain characters or story lines, he'd been a part of the whole process. He'd been so proud when Kurt got published immediately and the book had been a hit, he'd rushed out and waited in line at midnight to buy a copy so he could ask Kurt to sign it. He remembered his husband had smiled and blushed when he'd asked for his autograph so he could display it on his desk at work. At his old job before all of this his office had been a shrine to their life together. Pictures covered the walls, along with clippings of Kurt's magazine articles, and the reviews on the book. He'd had them framed and up on his wall. He remembered bringing Kurt to the company Christmas party and all of his work friends telling him how proud of him Blaine was and that his whole office was decorated with Kurt and his achievements, that he talked about him all the time.

Kurt had blushed and smiled, seemingly embarrassed but Blaine could tell that he was pleased to hear that his husband was proud of him. At Kurt's first book launch he'd stood proudly at his husbands side showing his support.

How did he go from that to this?

*Flashback*

Blaine unlocked the front door and stepped inside surprised to see the lights still on and Kurt sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in front of him and reading a book, which wasn't entirely surprising after all his husband wrote books, so seeing him read one wasn't out of the norm for him at all ...what was surprising was that Kurt was wearing an extremely expensive looking tailored suit. Once Blaine had opened the door he'd shut the book and place it on the table crossing his arms and standing to glare at Blaine with hurt and angry eyes which Blaine now realized looked rimmed red as if he'd been crying.

"What are you so dressed up for?" Blaine asked carefully

"Well considering my Book Launch was tonight, I think it's safe to say I was there." Kurt replied evenly and Blaine cringed

"Look Kurt I-" He started but was cut off

"You know who else was there? My dad, yea he and Carole flew in from Lima to show their support, so did Finn...and Mr. Schuester, Rachel took a night off from being a Broadway star to show up and Mercedes took a break from recording her album and flew in from LA, even Dave Karofsky and his husband came, as did Mike and Tina even though they live three hours away...you know who didn't come though?" Kurt asked with watery eyes and Blaine gulped nodding slightly.

"That's right...my husband, who lives in the same house as me, who promised me he'd be there, he never showed. Do you have any idea how many times people asked where you were tonight? Press included? I tried calling you to find out where you were and just kept telling everyone that you were running a little late and just got held up at work and that you would show up later. But you never did and I walked around for hours checking my phone and the door every fifteen minutes feeling completely humiliated by being stood up be my own husband at one of the most important night's of my career!" Tears spilled from Kurt's eyes and Blaine wracked his brain trying to think of a better excuse than the actual truth, he honestly didn't think 'I forgot and went to have some beers with my coworkers' was going to fly with Kurt right now.

Kurt sniffled and wiped at his eyes his anger finally draining from his body leaving only hurt. "Do you have anything to say to me? Like where you were and what was so important you couldn't even bother to call me and tell me you weren't coming?" he asked miserably and Blaine sighed.

"Kurt...listen I'm sorry I wasn't there, and I know you're upset but you have to understand... I had a really long day at work and ended up going out for some drinks with a few coworkers to unwind, I was so exhausted I completely forgot the launch was tonight"

With wide eyes Kurt stared at his husband. He forgot. That was it. No excuse other than he 'forgot'.

"You know Blaine...some days... it's hard to understand any of this anymore." he said shaking his head tiredly before looking up and saying "Are you coming to bed? (Blaine lifted his suitcase and was about to respond when Kurt said) Right of course not, what was I thinking? You're going to look at paper work and fall asleep on the couch. If I'm lucky in the morning I'll get to see the back of your head as you walk out the front door" he finished walking into the bedroom and shutting the door behind him.

Blaine stood stunned and slightly guilty but tried to convince himself that Kurt was over reacting and he would get over it. That he would forgive him given some time. They didn't speak for a week after that until Blaine went out and bought Kurt's book and left it on the kitchen table with a note asking for the 'author's signature' and a brief apology. It really hadn't been much, but Kurt couldn't take it and had caved fearing if he stayed mad things would get worse and he was getting progressively fearful the last six months that if something didn't change... he and Blaine would be heading towards a divorce.

*End Flashback*

Blaine cringed when he thought about that fight. It had actually been one of the only real times in those eight months where he'd legitimately thought he was a jackass. He'd been completely aware that he'd screwed up, and he'd meant to make it up to Kurt but when Kurt seemed to stop being upset with him after the book he'd put his focus back on the case he was working and the rest of it just never came up again so he'd let it go. Now he could see how wrong he'd been, could see that the only reason Kurt had let it go was because he was terrified of Blaine pulling away even more if he stayed mad.

Blaine tried to think about how he let himself be so blind. Surely a part of him had known what he was doing so why had he let himself get so caught up in that stupid job? How had he put his relationship in jeopardy without even realizing it. The therapist finally turned to him and told him that she wanted him to close his eyes and think back to when this all started, according to Kurt the first three weeks of the new job had been fine and then out of nowhere something changed and Blaine developed this extreme obsession and preoccupation with his job as if nothing was enough letting his marriage fall on the back burner leaving Kurt completely clueless as to what had changed

He closed his eyes and tried to think back to the first few weeks of work and everything that had happened.

*Blaine's Flashback*

"Alright baby have a great day at work, I love you" Kurt said handing Blaine a fresh to go mug of coffee accepting a soft kiss from his husband in return, Blaine's mouth still tasted like the french toast they'd had for breakfast. He straightened Blaine's tie and gave him a smile.

"I love you too sweetheart, thanks for breakfast it was great" Blaine replied pulling Kurt back in for another kiss, Kurt arms slid up from Blaine's tie to his shoulders to wrap around his neck as he deepened the kiss and Blaine backed him against the kitchen sink blindly setting down his coffee mug and running a hand down Kurt's back over his ass giving it a tight squeeze. Kurt groaned into Blaine's mouth and when the two pulled away Kurt pouted at his husband "Do you have to go to work today? It's seriously unfair that you rile me up like this each morning and then I have to wait hours for some relief" he trailed off running a hand down Blaine's chest towards his pants to gently caress his husbands slight arousal through his pants.

Blaine dropped his forehead to Kurt's with a groan and replied with "You're mean...do you have any idea how embarrassing it would be to walk into work with a hard on? Besides I thought you were still worn out from last night" He pecked Kurt on the nose and gave him a smirk.

Kurt grinned at his and said "I'm never too worn out for you Blaine Anderson-Hummel"

They kissed each other one last time before Blaine walked to the door yelling 'I love you' over his shoulder before the door shut.

At work Blaine was walking by the break room when he heard someone say his name, he peered around the corner to see some of his coworkers talking over coffee, against his better judgment he stayed out of their eye line to listen to what they were saying...

'So did you guys meet that new guy Blaine Anderson?'

'Not yet but Derek was saying that he walked by his office and the guy was humming show tunes and putting up some pictures of him with this guy...you don't think he's gay right? Last thing we need is another prissy fag in the office when we finally got rid of Kevin.'

'God I hope not...though if he is we can always let Mr. Jensen know and he'll do the same thing he did with Kevin...fire him"

'I thought Mr. Jensen fired Kevin because a client complained?"

'Nope, that's just the story he gave the big guys upstairs, the real story is he saw Kevin sucking face with some other fairy when he got off work the guy had come to pick him up and they just went at it in front of the building can you believe that?'

'That's disgusting! Poor Mr. Jensen... I cant imagine seeing something like that, thank god he got rid of him'

'No kidding, I hope this new guy isn't a fairy too...maybe one of us should try talking to him and see what we find out'

Blaine stood frozen outside the door and turned to walk to his office quickly shutting the door behind him...what was he going to do? His boss was a homophobic asshole? So were all his coworkers? He looked around his office he had just finished decorating and immediately started pulling down pictures and putting them back into their boxes shoving the boxes under his desk. He heard a knock at the door and he quickly took off his wedding ring and put it into his pocket before yelling out 'Come in'. One of his coworkers who had been in the room came in and he nervously waited for the man to casually scan the room before saying "Hey what's up? I don't think we've gotten the chance to meet yet I'm Blaine Anderson" he said holding out his hand, the man inspected the hand worriedly before seeming to give in and reach out to shake his hand "Derek Stevens nice to meet you too, so why don't you tell me about yourself?"

Blaine ran his left hand through his hair anxiously quickly coming up with a story in his head "Not much to tell actually... I'm 27, moved here a couple years ago, I'm a football and basketball fan, I've been dating my girlfriend Katie for...3 years and that's pretty much it"

Derek smiled at him more genuinely now "3 years huh? Wow so the two of you thinking of tying the knot any time soon?"

"Well, Katie wants too of course, but you know how women are...figure I'll ask her soon and try for a long engagement" he chuckled forcefully.

The other man laughed and patted him on the shoulder roughly "Good on you man, fight the ball and chain long as you can! We should go out for beers sometime after work a bunch of us guys normally get together for drinks we'll invite you next time"

"Sounds great! See you later man!" Blaine called out with a smile waving the other man out the door. Once he was gone he groaned and ran a hand over his face, great now he had to remember his fake girlfriend at work.

He sat back down at his desk and mentally prepare himself for the rest of the day, he closed his eyes for just a second when the phone rang. When he answered it was the last person in the world he wanted to talk to, the man who always seemed to ruin his day...his father. It only took 10 minutes before his father started going at him, by the end of the phone call he had Blaine convinced that he would fail and get fired from his new job, would never get another one or work his way up in the business. Told him that the least he could do if him and 'that boy' as he normally referred to Kurt were thinking of bringing a child into their home of sin he should at least be able to hold a job, then told him just how disgusting he thought it was that he and Kurt were thinking of adopting and that he couldn't believe any would give children to 'his kind of people'. By the time Blaine got off the phone his head was spinning and he was getting progressively angrier. He had asked him mom specifically not to mention any of this to his father but she'd done it anyways! Well he would prove them wrong, he'd prove everyone wrong. He'd be the best at what he did, get that promotion that was being offered next summer and when the time came he'd be ten times the man and father his own ever was.

*End Flashback*

That had been what started everything. It just snowballed from that day on. He'd never mentioned that phone call to Kurt, or told him anything about his boss and coworkers homophobia. Instead he'd started focusing harder on work, putting in as much over time as possible, winning every case he came across. He played the straight macho man at work and did his best to make sure no one figured out his secret. In the process however... he'd alienated his husband and made him feel worthless and unwanted. His husband who had been the only person to ever love him wholly and unconditionally for exactly who he was, he didn't need to work himself to death to make Kurt proud of him, hell Kurt would support him if he was playing Mickey Mouse at Disney world. He'd never needed to change for Kurt, or prove that he was a 'real man'. So in his insane attempt to please the people who would never approve of him and his life no matter what he did or how successful he was, he'd destroyed his relationship with the one person who has stuck by him for 10 years and given him more love, support and commitment than he ever could of hoped for. Destroyed his relationship with the man who wanted to start a family with him, who thought he'd make an amazing father exactly as is. He'd taken out his frustration and resentment against his parents on Kurt, and it was no excuse.

He looked over at Kurt who was staring at him with something akin to sadness and understanding. He hoped that he hadn't ruined things for good, because he would never forgive himself if he lost Kurt, even though he knew he didn't deserve him, he prayed to a god he wasn't sure he believed in that he would be able to fix things between himself and his husband, he still wanted a family with Kurt, still loved him with his whole heart, still wanted to grow old with him by his side. He hoped his dad was wrong...that he wasn't a failure who couldn't even make his marriage work.

"Blaine... why didn't you just tell me about that phone call? About your co workers? About your boss? Not that it excuses the last eight months but we've been together for ten years... do you honestly think I wouldn't have understood? Don't you think I could have helped? When we got married we became a team, this is a partnership...and it cant work if both of us aren't working on it actively. How can you decide to just check out of our relationship and not expect their to be some consequences?"

"I don't know why I didn't tell you, honestly I'm not sure why I let any of this happen. Kurt I wish I could take back the last eight months and do things differently but I cant...and I am so so sorry. I love you, I want to spent the rest of my life with you. I want to grow old with you by my side surrounded by our children and grandchildren... I know I screwed up, but I swear as long as I live I will love you with everything I have and will never ever do anything like this to you again."

Their therapist watched the two of them carefully before speaking "Alright, we got through a lot today, I think both of you can admit that despite the problems you two have had in the last eight months and despite the reasons that lead to it all... it's obvious both of you want to work on this marriage and are still very much in love with each other. It wont be easy but as long as both of you are committed to making this work, it is possible to fix things between the two of you. Our session for today is over but I want to see the two of you together once a week and Kurt I want you to keep coming in separately as well. I'm going to give you two a list of books I want you to read together with matching workbooks that have steps and goals to work towards each week in between these sessions"

They thanked her and walked out together, in the elevator Kurt was quiet and Blaine was worried this session might make him want to leave again but half way between his inner panic attack he felt a soft hand mold against his and lace their fingers together giving him a reassuring squeeze. He looked up at Kurt who was shooting him a small smile.

"I'm still in this if you are" Kurt said gently and Blaine sighed in relief.

"Forever and always" He replied bringing up Kurt's hand to his lips to press a kiss to the skin.

"I love you Blaine"

"and I love you Kurt...I always have and always will"