Chapter Three

I count the ways I let you down,

I’d grip you tight but you’re slipping out

I remember your eyes were so bright

When I first met you, so in love that night

Beautiful goodbye

They kept things light over post-soundcheck-drinks, talking about the city and Blaine's offer to record a demo after the holidays, and eventually Finn elbowed Puck in the ribs and jerked his head toward the equipment.  Puck grumbled but downed his beer and got out of his seat, going to help pack up, and Blaine realized the reason for this a moment later as Sam moved closer, grinning at him and shaking his shaggy hair out of his eyes. 

"Hey.  Guess they want us to talk, huh?" he asked, showing all his teeth, and Blaine snorted and wondered how much more emotional exhaustion one person could take in a day. 

"Yeah.  I'm really sorry, Sam," he whispered, grateful that this time he had a glass to wrap his hands around instead of clenching at thin air.  "You're the one I really regret falling out of touch with, after everything you did for me..."

"Hey, no," Sam shook his head and slung his arm around Blaine's shoulders, pulling him in.  "Dude, I know you didn't know me well back then, but the beginning of junior year when my family moved to Kentucky?  That's what I did.  Just, like, disappeared, but Finn found me on Facebook or whatever.  So I get that, and I'm totally not mad that you did," he said, and Blaine believed him. 

He let his head rest on Sam's shoulder and let out a heavy sigh, utterly drained, and Sam rubbed his arm for a few moments before he spoke again. 

"You know that...dude, I feel awful saying this because Kurt's amazing and everything, but...nobody likes Carter," Sam leaned back and rubbed his arm, and Blaine was a little surprised to hear him say that.  Finn, he could see, but Sam pretty much liked everybody so to hear him say that he didn't think Carter was good for Kurt was pretty definitive. 

"Well, I want...I want him back as much as all of you seem to want me to be with him, but it's not up to me," Blaine said, and that truth still hurt more than it should.  "It's only up to him if he wants to give me another chance, and honestly I...don't blame him if he never does," he smiled sadly, because he didn't.  He didn't hold any grudges toward Kurt, especially not after seeing him again, but he never had turned his guilt into blame, never looked for excuses as to why Kurt was at fault.

It was all on him, and he had to bear the consequences of that for maybe the rest of his life. 

"Dude, just...keep trying.  He still wants to talk to you, right?"

"He gave me his number," Blaine affirmed, cradling his phone to his chest like it was a part of Kurt himself.  He'd touched it, his fingers had been on it, and that might be entirely creepy but Blaine felt connected to him by that.  Somehow. 

"That's awesome, then, dude.  That means he wants you in his life," Sam pointed out what Blaine already knew, but it was nice to hear it affirmed by somebody else.

"Maybe.  But still, he's engaged.  I'm not going to be the guy to try and draw him away from his fiance," Blaine sighed and leaned more heavily on Sam, glancing up only when Puck and Finn came over again. 

"Hey, dude, what're you doing for Christmas?" Finn asked without preamble, plopping into the chair across from them, and Blaine thought for a moment before shrugging.  He'd almost forgotten Christmas was fast approaching, seeing as how the only person he still got a gift for was Cooper, and he was so busy most of the time they never saw each other regardless.

"The same thing I've done since I moved to New York, I guess," he replied softly.  "Sitting in my apartment with something take-out and watching old Christmas movies," he laughed in a rather self-deprecating way, because wow, that sounded pathetic now that he said it aloud.

From the look on Finn's face he thought so, too, and he reached to touch Blaine's arm and shook his head.  "Why don't you come home with us?"

"I..." Blaine paused, because he could think of a million reasons why he never wanted to set foot in Ohio again, but the biggest one was still at the forefront of his mind.  "I'm not exactly...welcome in the Anderson household any longer.  They haven't disowned me or anything, but my father made it quite clear that if I chose to go into music instead of a, and I quote, 'respectable profession, it's bad enough your brother's an actor, Blaine, but at least his lifestyle choices are appropriate,' that I was largely on my own.  Which explains the dump of an apartment and the job," he gestured, shrugging.  "But I wasn't going to do something I hated just to ensure he kept giving me money so...here I am," he smiled thinly and Sam gave him a one-armed hug, rubbing his arm as Blaine leaned into him.  "Cooper's the only person in my family I still talk to, and he's still refusing to come to New York for some reason so I rarely see him."

"Then dude, don't go home to your parents, come stay with us," Finn looked really excited.  "You can have Sam's old room."

"'Yeah, I always go home to Kentucky anyway to see my parents and my siblings, so I'm not gonna be there," Sam added, and Blaine wasn't sure what to say.  Sure, the Hudmel household had always been a second home to him back when Kurt was still in high school, but ever since he'd...messed things up he hadn't been back or even really talked to Burt, and he was more than a little afraid of the older man. 

"Dude, don't worry about Kurt's dad," Finn said with a smile, obviously knowing where Blaine's mind had been.  "Seriously, he still likes you.  Well, more than Carter, anyway," Finn shrugged and Blaine had to laugh, because he'd heard nothing but horrible things about Kurt's fiance and he remembered what Finn had said earlier about him not having Burt's approval.

"Does nobody like him?" he asked cautiously and Puck shrugged.

"Not really, dude.  He's just...he's never really fit in with us, y'know?  Like, there's nothing wrong with him, but he and Kurt are so wrong for each other," he crossed his arms and leaned back and Blaine wondered absently why Kurt would stay with somebody he didn't fit with.  But then, it was probably the same reason he stayed with the guy who was allegedly not realizing how amazing he was, and Blaine felt a little guilty that maybe he had caused this, that maybe Kurt had gone for the first guy to show interest in him because he didn't think he could do better, or didn't think anybody that treated him the way Blaine did would stay with him.

"It's not your fault," Sam tugged him closer again.  "I can tell that you're blaming yourself again, Blaine, and you can't go through life like that.  Yeah, this guy's a tool, but hopefully if Kurt spends a little more time with you he'll realize that he deserves so much better," he added, and Blaine blinked rapidly because he'd missed having friends like this, people that would reassure him and stop him from spiralling too low. 

"I...I'm starting to realize that.  Thank you," he said honestly, glancing around the table again. 'Will...will Carter be there for Christmas?"

"Nah, he's got some final semester project he's gotta stick around for, but...I don't think anybody's, like, too broken up about that, y'know?" Finn grinned across the table and Blaine had to return the smile, because he was a little glad that he had at least a few days to try and rebuild something with Kurt without his fiance there to interfere.

He still felt a little guilty, like they were all prying too much into Kurt's life, but Blaine trusted Finn and especially trusted Burt to know what was good for his son, and he knew Kurt well enough to know that sometimes he just needed a push in the right direction, as stubborn as he naturally was. 

"I...Okay," he finally conceded with a nod, knowing that he might regret it but needing to do this for himself.  "I'll come.  Do you..."

"Can you get there?" Finn asked, looking a little guilty.  "'Sorry, I know you said you've like got no money and I basically just told you to buy a plane ticket, but..."

"I've got enough for that," Blaine promised.  "I'll check flights and let you all know tomorrow at your concert, okay?"

"Sounds good, man," Finn held up his fist and Blaine bumped it with a tiny laugh, glancing down and shifting a little closer to Sam. 

Nothing was perfect, of course not, but for the first time he felt a little more than hopeless and maybe that was all he could ask for. 

000

The concert the next night went, in Blaine's opinion, really well.  He'd tried to promote what he could around the campus and they'd attracted a pretty large crowd that was definitely enjoying the show, but Blaine's attention was diverted from the three men on the stage when he heard the door open over the noise and turned, seeing Kurt slipping through followed by another man that Blaine immediately disliked.

He knew it was stupid, that this irrational jealousy had no place in his life any longer, but the truth was he'd always be jealous of other men Kurt was with. 

The guy that walked in after Kurt was tall...not as tall as Finn but taller than Kurt, with shaggy, dirty-blond hair and a rather smug grin that had Blaine's hackles rising before he could help it.  He immediately slid an arm around Kurt's waist and started to guide him through the crowd, and Blaine turned away before he could do something he regretted.

God, he just had to get over it already.  Kurt wasn't his, he didn't have any right to feel this protective of him, and even though everybody seemed to think this guy was a jerk he trusted that Kurt wouldn't stay with somebody that hurt him in any way. 

So maybe he didn't have the greatest personality, but as long as he treated Kurt right that was all that should matter.

...except it wasn't, and Blaine was squeezing a glass in his fist when he heard Kurt's voice reach him. 

"Hey!"

"Hey, Kurt," he said quietly, leaning on the counter with his elbows and his eyes locked on Carter's.  "You must be Carter.  I've heard a lot about you."

"And you're the ex?  Kurt told me he met you here last night," Carter's voice, from what he could hear, was pleasant enough, but there was a tone to it that sounded a little too mocking to Blaine's ears.  That might have been his imagination, though, so he tried to ignore it. 

"That's me," Blaine gave him a tight-lipped smile.  "Can I get you boys anything?"

Kurt ordered water again on the pretense of just stopping in before going to work on some more designs, but Carter ordered a beer so Blaine got that for him, sliding it over as the other man all but gulped it down and Kurt half-glared at him.

Blaine winced, because he knew that Kurt probably wasn't fond of guys who drank a lot, especially after what Blaine had done around him while he'd been drinking. 

They were silent after that, Blaine trying to ignore the fact that Kurt had his fiance there and Kurt staring at the stage, his foot tapping against the stool in time with the drums.  Carter left to head for the washroom at some point and Kurt turned back to Blaine, his smile a little more forced this time.

"So?  What do you...I know you've barely met him, but...nobody seems to like him.  I know Finn doesn't, and my dad doesn't, but I..." he sighed.  "He does love me.  And he does...make me happy.  He's a tad too possessive and I think he worries about other people telling me he's no good for me, but..."

"It's not my place to say," Blaine said immediately, ducking down to get some drinks for another customer before turning back to Kurt.  "As long as you're happy and he's treating you right, I'm happy for you," he knew his voice was hollow but Kurt didn't seem to notice, beaming at him happily and he and Carter left soon after the other man had returned from the washroom. 

Carter kept his hand on Kurt's arm the entire time, like he was afraid Kurt would slip away otherwise, and Blaine stopped watching them make their way out of the bar after a while. 

It still hurt too fucking much to see Kurt walking away from him, and Kurt walking away from him with another man all over him was the worst torture of all.