Chapter Five

I want to hold you, but I am afraid

I want to touch you, but I'm not that way

I have many fears about rejection, I have many memories of pain

I have always hurt the one that I love,

So I'll turn and look the other way.

Christmas Eve dawned clear and cold, Blaine snuggling under the blankets for a moment or two before he realized he was an idiot because he hadn't picked up any presents for Kurt's family and he'd be hard-pressed to get them today. He sighed deeply, not wanting to get out of bed, when the door creaked open and Kurt poked his head in, a fond smile on his lips.

"Come on, sleepyhead. Up and at 'em, or Finn will eat all the pancakes," he threatened as Blaine sat up with a groan, pillow lines on his face and hair in complete curly-frizzy-disarray and probably looking like a madman, but Kurt just kept smiling. "Something wrong?"

"No, just...I realized that it's...Christmas Eve," he replied, and Kurt looked at him as if he'd lost his mind. "I know, I know, but I...have nothing to give you all for inviting me here," he finished lamely as Kurt snorted.

"Don't even, Blaine Anderson. I know things aren't easy for you right now, and to be entirely cheesy, 'your presence is your gift,'" he used air-quotes and everything and Blaine barely held back a laugh. "Help me with more baking today and tomorrow and we'll call it even. Deal?" he had one hand on his hip, eyebrow raised in a 'don't-fuck-with-me' pose, and Blaine knew it was pointless to argue.

"Deal."

Kurt stared at him for a bit more, contemplatively, before shaking his head. "I forgot how crazy your hair got in the mornings," he sounded almost wistful and Blaine raised a hand instinctively to pat it down before Kurt shook his head again, firmer this time. "No, leave it. It...it's fine."

"Remember how long it took me to be comfortable showing you my post-sleep ungelled hair?" Blaine laughed, because while he still wasn't fond of it, he'd gotten more used to it over the years.

"I love your hair," Kurt shook his head. "Honestly, once you got more comfortable with me seeing it, it was a lot nicer to not worry about my hands and sheets being covered in gel," he teased, before he snapped his mouth shut and his eyes widened in what looked like shock.

Blaine blushed, looking down, because wow, that was way too easy to slip back into. And he had to admit, talking about their past sex life was probably unhealthy with Kurt being 500 miles away from his fiancé, so he cleared his throat and shrugged and tried to change the topic.

"So Carter can't make it at all?" he asked, and Kurt crossed his arms and took a deep breath before walking into the room and sitting down on the edge of Blaine's bed, far too close for comfort.

"He...could, if he really wanted to, but his family's from New York so he'd rather stay there," he started picking at a thread in the bedspread, lips pursed outward. "And, well, you already know this, but Dad and Finn? Not the greatest company for him. He doesn't feel comfortable around here, and that's partly because of them. I have no idea why they find him so objectionable because I know they want me to be happy but he does make me happy. It's like they don't believe me," he frowned and shifted back a little more.

"Well, I don't really know him, but I didn't think he was that bad," Blaine gave Kurt a weak smile and the other boy nodded.

"You're too nice, though. You love everybody, or at least you try to," Kurt pointed out, and Blaine shrugged. "Even people that were horrible to you."

"Speaking of that," he suddenly perked up, realizing that Kurt didn't know, "I ran into Sebastian at the Lima Bean yesterday. He's...matured. A lot."

"Matured enough that he won't assault people with rock salt?" Kurt snarked, and Blaine had to laugh. Yes, that experience had been wholly unpleasant and painful, but he did believe Sebastian when he said it was never meant to go that far.

"I'd like to think so. It was nice seeing a familiar face...even if it was his," he added, and Kurt laughed.

"Well, you might be seeing a lot more. Rachel has an annual New Year's Bash at the Berry household, and all former New Directions members are indefinitely invited. If Finn and I have to go sit through that, you'd better come with us," he reached over to pat Blaine's arm and while Blaine was unsure, seeing so many people he'd all but abandoned at the end of senior year, he knew he couldn't say no to Kurt.

"Okay," he sighed, and Kurt flashed him a brilliant grin that he would never say 'no' to before getting up.

"I'm serious about the pancakes by the way. He will eat them all," he winked, leaving the room with a sway of his hips, and Blaine groaned and flopped backwards, forcing himself upright because he was definitely in the mood for some pancakes and he knew that Kurt's threats weren't empty as far as Finn was concerned.

So he pulled on an old Dalton T-shirt he still had lying around, tried to muss his hair into some semblance of normality (or at least ensure that people looking at him didn't turn to stone, although if it stopped Finn from eating...) and exited the bedroom to head upstairs.

000

The day was...nice. Domestic.

He'd always felt like he fit in more with the Hummel-Hudsons than he did with his own family, and when that night, sitting in the living room with cups of hot cocoa in front of the fireplace, Kurt asked him to play some Christmas songs on the piano, he couldn't resist.

It was as if they'd never stopped singing together, voices blending seamlessly into harmonies they hadn't had to use in years, and when Finn bounded over and wanted to join in they really couldn't refuse him.

"I thought you always opened gifts Christmas Eve?" Blaine asked later, much too close to Kurt under a blanket, and Kurt shrugged and smiled at him lazily.

"We did. My dad and I, but Finn's a perpetual five-year-old and he was always disappointed that we never saved any presents for Christmas morning so we stopped that. Expect to be woken up about 7 tomorrow morning by a large man-child pouncing on you, by the way," he added, and Blaine snorted and shoved at his shoulder playfully.

"Hey, so do you still leave milk and cookies for Santa?" he asked, grinning, and Kurt shoved him back at that.

They leave milk and cookies on the coffee table anyway.

They both know Finn will eat them.

000

Kurt was right.

Christmas morning Blaine woke up to a rather large mass on top of him and lashed out on instinct, hearing Finn yelp before his wrists were caught and pinned back.

"Dude, seriously? That's how you treat your bed-partners?" Finn looked amused, grinning, and Blaine glared at him until Finn let him go. "It's Christmas!"

"I've gathered," Blaine replied dryly, stretching out a little, and Finn bounced off like an over-eager dog as Blaine groaned and rubbed his eyes.

"Told you."

He looked up to see Kurt leaning in the doorway, adorably tousled and wearing his sleep-clothes, and Blaine stumbled out of bed and over to the stairs, patting Kurt's shoulder on the way by as he headed up to the living room.

000

Exchanging presents was a lot of wrapping paper and string and bows and camera flashes and Kurt protesting that he wasn't fit to be photographed, and when all was said and done Blaine had three presents in front of him, all of his protests gone unheeded.

Burt and Carole had obviously picked up something on the fly, just a hat, scarf and gloves, but Blaine's own winter wear was old and thin and did little to keep out the cold anymore so he appreciated it.

Finn had gotten him a pair of headphones, and not just any headphones, but actual professional ones. He'd been a little amazed but Finn had laughed and slapped him on the back, saying that 'if you're gonna record our demo, we've gotta make sure you're hearing everything right when you're mixing stuff,' but Blaine was overwhelmed by it regardless.

The last package was bigger, obviously clothing, and when he pulled the warm-looking, silky-soft winter coat out his eyes widened. There was no tag on it, nothing to indicate what brand it was, and when he stood up to try it on at Kurt's urging he realized that it probably wasn't any brand he'd ever heard of.

The coat hugged his body perfectly, ending right at mid-thigh, the sleeves the exact right length and there was enough give through his shoulders and chest that it wasn't tight anywhere.

He knew instantly what that meant, and he turned to Kurt. "Did you...is this..."

"A Hummel original," Kurt replied with a tiny half-smile. "I saw your other one looked like it had seen too many winters, so I thought...call it creepy, but I still remembered your measurements," he was blushing, eyes averted, hair falling in front of his face, and Blaine felt tears spring to his own eyes because God, Kurt was amazing.

"I...I don't even know what to...thank you," he choked out, and when Kurt looked up again his gaze was steady.

"You can...you can hug me. You know. If you want to..." he was barely on his feet before Blaine had thrown himself at him, clutching him close and feeling Kurt grip at him almost as fiercely.

He heard shuffling, probably the others leaving to give them a moment alone, but he couldn't care less because he was in Kurt Hummel's arms again, and Kurt smelt the same and felt the same as he'd always done.

For a moment Blaine pretended the last few years hadn't existed, that it had always been like this, and Kurt held him close and didn't let him pull away.

"I really did miss my best friend," Kurt choked into his ear, and then they were both crying, but it was the good kind.

The cathartic kind, that left him utterly drained but indescribably happy, and when Kurt finally pulled away he had a smile on his face, too.

000

Blaine had no idea where Finn got the mistletoe from, but there it was, hanging jauntily from the kitchen doorframe, and after the fourth time Finn had bumped into Kurt in the doorway and grinned at Kurt until the other man had relented and pecked his cheek, Kurt had threatened him with, 'so help me, Finn Hudson, if you try that one again I'm kissing you smack on the lips!' Finn had shrugged, and walked away, audibly muttering, 'bet you'd like that...', which had resulted in a rather manic chase around the house that only ended when Finn nearly killed himself tripping over the couch.

Yes, Blaine thought with a smile, Christmas in the Hummel-Hudson house was definitely not boring.

Of course, he knew what Finn was doing, and he appreciated the show of support from...well...everybody, but if Kurt was going to give him another chance he had to do it on his own and not because people were trying to influence him to.

Still, his mind slipped a little before dinner and he was heading into the kitchen to get a refill on his eggnog at the same time Kurt was coming out, both of them trying to get around each other in the doorway before Kurt looked up and sighed.

"Blaine."

"Finn's not here..." Blaine started to protest, getting a Look from Kurt, and he knew that well enough: the second they tried to move without doing this Finn would show up and badger them until they did.

"Well, tradition and all," Kurt shrugged, but his smile was tight and strained and Blaine tried to think up an excuse so that he wouldn't have to do this.

He couldn't.

And he was fucking terrified.